6th
The second greatest cover letter ever written….
The job market is tough out there. That’s why I’m in here.
It’s been frustrating. As part of a generation raised to have exceptionally high self esteem, I get really frustrated when I pour my heart out into a cover letter only to have no response from the HR person (who I am sure would hire me if they could meet me in person).
Even worse: Being laid off has mentally put me in a cowering fetal position when the experts tell me I’m supposed to have a take-no-prisoners, here-I-am-world-come-and-get-me-attitude.
It was really bad after I first got the word I was going to be laid off. I have tried to fit in to what I assume is supposed to be a corporate mentality. After a while, I was tired of this self-imposed straitjacket and decided to take an opposite approach.
My first step was to emphasize my creativity by writing a cheeky cover letter that extolled my abilities to fit into the corporate culture by pointing what really matters at a job.
Next I decided to take a lesson from the Terence Trent D’Arby school of PR and praise my own product. When his first album, Introducing The Hardline According To Terence Trent D’Arby came out in England, he called it the best album since Sgt. Pepper.
I’m a little more modest. I believe the cover letter below is the second best cover letter ever written. What’s No. 1? The lyrics to Paperback Writer by the Beatles.
Anyway, I haven’t had too many bites yet (but it only takes one, right?). Here it is for blogsterity.
Dear Mr. ????:
I could cite my 20 years experience doing PR, publicity, marketing and
journalism and give you lots of examples of how I helped my current and previous
employers garner national attention at places like the New York Daily News, Jay
Leno, BBC, New York Times, David Letterman among others, successfully managed
people and handled million-dollar budgets (Look at my resume, you’ll like it!),
but a resume can only tell you what I’ve done. It doesn’t demonstrate how well I
can fit into your corporate culture. Rest assured the following qualities I
possess are valuable in any workplace.
1. My Willingness To Regularly Exalt Your Greatness: Now, we both know you’re a
smart caring person who inspires people to exceed their expectations, but I
don’t think your brilliance is truly appreciated. Hire me and even though I am
busy charming reporters to do a story about our most “challenging” client, I
will always notice that new hairstyle, tie or your brilliant observation about
the state of the economy.
It won’t be B.S. either. I sincerely admire anyone smart enough to hire an
award-winning writer who has single-handedly successfully managed an
international news agency serving 800 media outlets around the world. Think of
the ego boost you’ll get each day knowing that an award-winning journalist like
myself will compliment in some clever thoughtful manner (especially when your
superiors or advertisers are listening).
2. My Insistence On Giving You Credit For Every Success: I’m a master at
brainstorming million dollar ideas and clever angles for press campaigns at
will, but I’m not so good at taking credit for my excellent contributions. I
figure my job is to make you and our clients money and your job is to get all
the fortune and glory.
This is not just lip service. I recently created an online newspaper and
developed a 5,000-hit daily readership in less than five months. But when it
came time for handing out credit, I humbly deferred all accolades to the “real
genius,” the man who hired me. If I do get praised by one of your superiors or
clients, let’s assume it’s an accident and I will explain how I couldn’t have
done it without you.
3. My Willingness To Take Blame For All Your Failures: It’s hard enough being a
manager without having to take responsibility for failure, so let me shoulder
the blame. There are countless times when I’ve saved a colleague’s heiney by
rewriting their garbage press release into a piece of poetry that resulted in a
pick-up by a major talk show, but, luckily for you, I assume everything that
happens that is bad is my fault. In the off chance you make a bad decision, I
will step forward to publicly take the blame.
4. My Incredible Ability To Handle Emotionally Difficult Situations: Now, I know
you’re not the type of person who takes their aggression out on employees, but
if you decide so, I’m flexible. You can feel safe knowing that I will never
second guess your sanity. I’ll just continue to charm the media and woo clients
like nothing ever happened. Isn’t it great! Finally, you have the freedom to let
your demons out without fear or reprisal or being reported.
5. My Inability To Say No: Sure, I might be working hard on a project with a
strict deadline, but that is no reason why I can’t drop everything to get your
laundry, coffee or make a call to the deli to complain about the missing Dijon
mustard on your turkey sandwich. Hire me and I’ll meet that deadline and
remember “no starch,” “just cream, no sugar” and “extra Dijon.”
Thank you for reading this far.
Deciding who to hire is never an easy decision. Let me help. My resume
demonstrates I have the skills and ability to succeed in any job and the bullets
points above provide ample evidence that I’m the best person to work for (NAME OF COMPANY).
I would love to meet with you to discuss any sort of working relationship.
Until then, I remain your obedient servant.
Best regards,
David Moye
